Relationships

 

Mark 10.2-16, Genesis 2.18-24

They are great these sort of questions aren’t they, the type that you might expect to hear in parliament or the courtroom. The person asking already knows what reply they are hoping for and in this case it was intended to trap Jesus and catch him out.

‘Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?’

The question about marriage has been carefully composed, if he gives the answer that the Pharisees are hoping for he’ll be in serious trouble with the religious institutions.

As a preacher it would be nice to ignore awkward subjects like divorce and just focus on Jesus telling the disciples off for keeping little children from him.

Yet it’s a subject that has grown in prominence since the Pandemic with divorce rates soaring as couples were confined to each other’s company for unnaturally long periods of time in lockdown and in many cases prevented from returning to their places of work even when they wanted to, due to concerns around spreading the virus.

We probably all know people who are going through divorce, have been divorced or are contemplating divorce and know that it can range from a bitter and painful process to an inevitable failure where surprisingly often the couple get along much better just being friends once they get out from being under each others feet on a daily basis.

Our personal experience of divorce will inevitably affect how we hear and react to this reading and what we may think of the preacher’s comments. Human love for others remains a mysterious concept that can’t be pinned down, sometimes it will last a lifetime and sometimes it struggles to endure.

It’s really not something I feel comfortable or particularly qualified to talk publicly about but then Jesus is good at putting us in the position where we have to wrestle with something to which there are no neat answers, and where there may even be the potential to upset people . As we consider his own comments we might feel that this is something he could also be accused of.

In this case the pharisees are trying to get Jesus into the sort of trouble that John the Baptist had with king Herod who needed his wife to divorce before he could marry her. They weren’t really interested in his wisdom and guidance on the subject at all they just wanted to see whether he would also lose his head over this, in every sense of the phrase.

Out in the open with the crowd Jesus refers the pharisees back to Moses to answer their question, it seems that Moses allows for divorce if necessary. Then he quotes Genesis and explains how the wonderful possibility that two people can come together as one, is a gift from God. He’s clearly careful about what he says in public. He shifts the focus from legalities to encouraging thought about what marriage is supposed to be according to God.

Back in the relative safety of the house he seems harsher, perhaps he feels safe aiming his comments at Herod among those he trusts. No doubt his words about divorce and adultery have been quoted and misused over time to control a partner seeking divorce or to humiliate them when they do so, surely this can never have been Jesus’ intention. We are certain that he could never wish people loved by God to be trapped in abusive, dangerous or unhealthy relationships. Perhaps there is a sad acknowledgement that the Israelites in Moses day struggled to achieve their potential in Gods eyes just as generations have done ever since.

There’s certainly no place for those with long marriages to be smug. Every marriage is imperfect and many seriously malfunction and fail to live up to God’s ideal even when they endure. At their worst some are a microcosm for much that is wrong in our world. We also recognise that many who never formally marry can also have loving, stable and valuable relationships.

It’s really not straightforward at all is it. I heard of one couple which argued so much that they made each other’s life a misery, finally the man told his wife to pack her bags and go. As she was leaving he shouted down the driveway ‘I hope that you suffer for the rest of your life’. The woman turned around confused and said ‘ so you want me to stay now’?

Joking aside we can be confident that Jesus wants us all to look beyond an arrangement that simply complies with the law to something much deeper.  Perhaps he speaks in a harsher tone to his disciples as they know that his is a message of love and forgiveness despite our shortcomings, that he understands mankind’s many weaknesses and that perfection is not achievable this side of God’s kingdom.

Jesus would have been acutely aware of the imbalance of power in first century marriage and we need to guard against seeing what he said through 21^st century eyes.

In more recent times many view marriage in terms of legal rights that are created and financial entitlements. One accountant of a certain age even used to encourage his clients to get married at the start of a new financial year in order to maximise the tax benefits of doing so, an incentive long since dispensed with by HMRC ! Then there’s a whole industry in prenuptial agreements, ‘just in case’ you understand darling!

To hear Jesus’ words in context we need to remind ourselves that women were powerless in a marriage, sometimes caught in a legally binding contract with no rights whatsoever and facing absolute destitution should a man choose to divorce her. Unquestionably an incredibly unjust balance of power.

So the fact that Jesus talks of divorce for men and women in an equal way would have been shocking to many hearing his words. What on earth could he be advocating, surely not equality and protection for the vulnerable and powerless when relationships break down?

There’s another point in today’s readings which is really all about thriving alongside others.

Many will know from personal experience that when we lose someone we love we often appreciate more than ever what we have lost and it becomes apparent how much more complete we were with them around. When relationships do work out it’s clear how we often flourish and achieve much more than we can alone.

Genesis reminds us that God wants us to be in relationship with at least one other person we can rely upon and share with to the extent that we are not lonely. Not everyone will want another go at marriage or any form of partnership after a divorce or loss, not everyone will meet a life partner at all, but with real friends, family, people that care about them there’s still the opportunity for us to thrive as God intends.

In our Genesis reading God observes, “It’s not good that the man should be alone”.

So for this single human God creates “a helper as his partner.” Now a lot of men might automatically think well that’s really handy, someone to find his fig leaf when he can’t remember where he’s left it, pick fruit and light a fire maybe. Who knows, one day such a person might even evolve to load dishwashers and use vacuum cleaners!

But again equality is at the heart of God’s actions. In the Old Testament ‘a helper’ could be equal or even superior to the person they are helping. Numerous times God himself is described as a helper, particularly in the Psalms.

Psalm 54.4…But surely, God is my helper; the Lord is the upholder of my life.

I subscribe to the view that the fundamental question that needs to be considered today is, what does God think makes any relationship valuable?

It may be true that you don’t have to go to church to be a Christian but there is certainly a lot to be gained by being part of a church community whether in person or even online. There is more to be learned and achieved together when we are part of a community founded upon the love of God, also it’s a lot easier and more fun to move massive pews around the church together than to leave an individual to struggle alone.

There’s also an increased possibility that the couple, the friends, the group or community start looking beyond themselves. Together they are stronger as they support and care for each other, more interested in and able to look out for those who are not so fortunate. Surely these are exactly the relationships that have real value in God’s eyes and this where our focus should rest.

Amen

Kevin Bright

3^rd October 2021